I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize