i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
