I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I want a musical about memes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
