I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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