Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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