I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
