i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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