grandma shit on top of the toilet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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