Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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