she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
did i walk over a car last night?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
