I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
