yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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