Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
