Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
