She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
