My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
