I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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