I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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