Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
