Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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