I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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