I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
