i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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