Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
