I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize