ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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