My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
this boner is exhausting
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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