Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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