I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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