He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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