I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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