do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
