So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
