I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize