and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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