genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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