I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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