i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize