Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
