My hand turned me down
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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