He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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