I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We left an ass print on the piano.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
