I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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