Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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