I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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