I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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