he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize