there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
