To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
