I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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