I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
