a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I wear drunk well.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
