i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
