i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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