haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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