So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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