they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
