Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
